Hey...
This week I have been...
...Knee'd in the face...
...dropped on my back...
...put into arm-locks...
....thrown around...
But I feel fine about it...
Why?
Because it's Jitsu!
I started at Jiu-Jitsu when I was in the final years of High School. I was 17 at the time, and some friends had just started, or planned to start there. These were friends who were far geekier than me, and seemingly about as fit (read: un-fit). They played Dungeons and Dragons and were not prone to sudden bouts of concentrated exercise as far as I knew. I felt if they wanted to do it, then I probably could and it would be fun hanging out with them outside of school anyway. It sounded cool anyway (what martial art doesn't to a teenager?) and given that I was (and still am) of a pretty small build, it seemed like something that I might find useful as well.
If I remember right, there were about 5 or 6 of us starting at the same time. If the guys hadn't started with me, I probably wouldn't have had the nerve to go down there (plus I would never have heard of it). I was pretty painfully shy of new things and people in those days.
It was strange, at first. They wanted us to roll around a lot and practice falling over a certain way. The first moves we learnt seemed awkward and peculiar and there was a strong sense that we looked silly doing it. It was odd getting that up-and-close with new people and physically moving them around. It was kind of like a weird dance class where people occasionally ended up on the floor.
By the end of the first session though, we were all pumped up and excited for next time. We had learnt at least one, if not two basic throws and an arm/wrist lock as well as the rolling and falling. We were sure we could master the art in no time.
We would be ninjas. Mighty black-belt ninjas! And we would roll around sorting out crime and living out a crazy teenage-fantasy-life.
(Later I learnt that jitsu was actually practised by samurai, not ninjas, but you know what we meant).
More sessions followed...about twice a week, when we could make it (which was most of the time, to be fair; I didn't do much else after school).
I could never remember the more technical arm and wrist locks, I would get confused and just stand there, frozen, or keep doing the one I could remember no matter which they were asking me to demonstrate.
The throws I really enjoyed though, both performing them on others and being thrown myself. There was something quite fun about flying through the air for a few seconds before hitting the floor and bouncing straight back up to go again (the falling techniques or 'break-falling', take the impact out of hitting the floor mats, so you don't get hurt).
It was still hard for me, for a long while, to try and punch people so they could perform the throw on me. I didn't want to actually hurt anyone, so I would punch weakly or aim away from their face. Eventually though, you learn that a good attack is more realistic, and that the person defending ('tori') can get a much better technique out of it if the attacker ('uki') gives it their all, as there's more momentum.
Eventually we were introduced to something called 'ground-fighting' as well. This is when the fight has wound up on the ground, and you're trying to pin each other down with certain moves. At later levels (higher 'grades', or belts), you are allowed to do things like arm-locks and choke-holds as well, but they try not to let novices break each other too early on...
The ground-fighting was immensely fun. The kind of wrestling shenanigans I would sometimes get up to with friends when we were drinking or just being rowdy. Only they were training me to be good at it.
My 18th birthday rolled around at the same time as a national event, in Birmingham, which meant I was able to go. I was still only a white belt (beginner) but I was excited to go and so were the guys. By then we were pretty well into the group at jitsu, who were all really genuine, fun-loving and open people. The senseis (teachers - brown and black belts) were friendly too; they didn't distance themselves from us at all (apart from it being perfectly obvious they could have folded us up like 'human origami' - a term my current sensei has actually used - if they'd wanted to).
It was a huge event, with people coming from all over the U.K to train and compete. Even though the numbers there would have normally over-whelmed me, I felt confident and secure in my new found group and hobby. I felt powerful even though I was surrounded by people better at it than me.
The competition I was able to enter, as a novice, was ground-fighting. I would fight against other girls, of the same belt and weight category as me, starting sat back to back then wheeling round and trying to pin them down or make them give up and tap out before they can do it to me.
One of my friends guessed my weight for me when I was being entered...I ended up in the catagory above the one I should have been in. I would be fighting girls heavier than me.
Luckily, none of them were that heavy and I only had to fight 3 people in the end.
The first fight I had, I used a sneaky technique I had been shown by one of my senseis...as you turn round to face them, bring your elbow up in front of you. You have a 50/50 chance they'll turn the same way as you and bang into it...
The girl did.
I didn't notice until the end of the fight, when she smiled at me, that her mouth was full of blood where I'd banged it with my fairly bony elbow.
The next fight was against her mate.
She was less willing to let it go than the smiley girl.
It was more of a struggle than the first fight, but I beat her too.
That night, out drinking, I felt invincible. It was my birthday and I had beaten two people in combat. The finals were the next day, when I would compete for gold. Even if I lost, I would have a silver medal, though I was confident of my abilities.
We got very drunk.
One of my mates was sick after falling asleep on the sofas in the club.
I remember eating The Best Burrito from some dodgy van parked on the street, which seemed to be staffed entirely by attractive yet chavy women.
I drank lots of cocktails, and eventually went to sleep at the hotel...probably sometime in the early morning.
Sadly for me, I had not yet gotten good at drinking like that and functioning the next day.
I woke up incredibly hungover.
I'm fairly sure I missed or didn't feel like eating much breakfast.
What's more...I had PMS. Not a good combo for a fighting champion.
I had to train for what was probably about 3 or 4 hours (though it felt like forever) before the actual competition. The rules are generally that if you don't turn up to the training, you shouldn't compete.
There were only about half as many people on the mats that day. Anyone not competing, who had been out drinking, had obviously decided to sleep it off a bit before coming in.
Once we started training, I didn't think I could leave the mat. Not only because of the etiquette, I literally didn't know which way I would have to run to get off. The room was spinning so much I couldn't tell. I decided I would just have to hang on as best as I could, being thrown and throwing 'til I was pretty much ready to fall down and die. If I actually threw up, I was sure someone would help me off at least.
(Note: Apparently the accepted thing to do if you can not get off the mat in time, is actually to throw up inside your gi top, to prevent it getting on the mats/stopping training. I am thankful this has never actually had to happen).
Then the fight.
I tried.
Honest.
A bit, anyway.
But she got me into a hold and I couldn't muster the energy or vigour to escape it. I remember saying quietly "you got me" and just going limp and waiting for the count.
Silver is still a good medal.
My group still rallied round me and were impressed enough I felt I hadn't really lost out on much.
When I got out and went and got changed, I realised I had a small, but noticeable enough, bright red stain on my white gi trousers. Obviously, despite their adverts to the contrary, sanitary towels do not actually stand up to the test of strenuous exercise. I was fucking mortified. Everyone had been watching me fight, and had probably noticed it. No one had mentioned though, so I couldn't really be sure. Perhaps the long gi top had been enough to cover it. I said nothing and just felt incredibly embarrassed as well as worn out and queasy.
I was still pleased with my medal though, and sure that if I hadn't been dying of a milestone-birthday hangover, I would have won...
Tuesday 29 October 2013
Monday 28 October 2013
The Cynic Reviews 1
...What's that?
Time for something a bit lighter...
How about my review/interpretation of this music video, which a friend found recently...
Warning: Song is cheesey and contains tractor references.
That woman is so very 90's!
Also, she blatantly isn't carrying a 'basket fulla chicken' and 'a jug of ice tea'...she's carrying her sunglasses and her shoes. Because she wore her 6-inch stilettos into a field. I'm guessing she's just woken up there after being out all night. She doesn't know how it happened. She doesn't care; she's coming up again and she's just met a fuckin' cowboy.
She probably does think his tractor's sexy. She's loving everything right now, so it's hard to pin down what exactly...exactly...what were we talking about?
Yeah, she probably is always staring at him as he's 'chugging along'. Or the fractals leaking out of his Stetson. She's definitely staring at something.
Apparently unsure what to do with her, he drives her around for a while before taking her back to his barn for the night. I'm guessing they couldn't work out between them where she came from. They sit up talking with the radio on...no doubt by now she's stumbled onto a mystery baggy from last night in her pockets, and the two of them are onto a night of poor quality tunes and chatting bollocks.
And, apparently, one "teeny-weeny ride" before she goes home.
Time for something a bit lighter...
How about my review/interpretation of this music video, which a friend found recently...
Warning: Song is cheesey and contains tractor references.
That woman is so very 90's!
Also, she blatantly isn't carrying a 'basket fulla chicken' and 'a jug of ice tea'...she's carrying her sunglasses and her shoes. Because she wore her 6-inch stilettos into a field. I'm guessing she's just woken up there after being out all night. She doesn't know how it happened. She doesn't care; she's coming up again and she's just met a fuckin' cowboy.
She probably does think his tractor's sexy. She's loving everything right now, so it's hard to pin down what exactly...exactly...what were we talking about?
Yeah, she probably is always staring at him as he's 'chugging along'. Or the fractals leaking out of his Stetson. She's definitely staring at something.
Apparently unsure what to do with her, he drives her around for a while before taking her back to his barn for the night. I'm guessing they couldn't work out between them where she came from. They sit up talking with the radio on...no doubt by now she's stumbled onto a mystery baggy from last night in her pockets, and the two of them are onto a night of poor quality tunes and chatting bollocks.
And, apparently, one "teeny-weeny ride" before she goes home.
Deeper into dream...
Hey...
...so...
...back again?
I will try and feed you another post then.
Firstly, I would like to say thanks to everyone who read my first post, and for all the positive comments I've received. It is always strange for me, to accept praise for something like this. I used to have faith in my creative abilities and really I still do, but my self-doubt often clouds that and makes me think I can't really do anything good or worthwhile. Even after I've actually done something - even if I like it - I still tend to pick it apart and find all the reasons it's no good and eventually dismiss it altogether.
Writing in particular, is an odd one for me. I haven't written anything for so long. Writing about this kind of subject, putting these feelings out there in my own handwriting so to speak, is pretty nerve-wracking!
So thank you.
I want to delve into dreams again now...
A friend (Spike of http://diaryofageekyguy.blogspot.co.uk/) suggested some interpretations for my reoccurring dream and I'd like to share some of them here, with my own comments where I've thought through what he said...
"To see fish swimming in your dream signifies insights from your subconscious mind. Thus to catch a fish represents insights which have been brought to the surface."
(In most of my dreams, I don't actually move the fish physically or catch them. I feel I am supposed to, but I don't dream myself doing it. I just go back and fore between the tanks looking into them and trying to work out where they should all go.
In one of the only ones where I can remember trying to move some of them, I was putting my hand into a particularly dark-watered tank, and was bitten by a scary, eel-like creature with nasty teeth!
I could take from this then, that for me the insights are there, just out of reach. The things I need to work out, to keep my life from being 'messy' are right there. But reaching out for them is something I'm not doing. Is this why I keep having the dream?
When I have reached out, I have experienced pain. Maybe some of the insights are painful truths that I need to learn to accept.)
"Perhaps your dream could be telling you that 'there are plenty of other fish in the sea' with regards to some relationship issue."
(I have the dream when I perceive life getting 'messy' around me. By 'mess', I often do mean relationship issues. More than once, I have put myself into situations where I am trying to choose between people. Trying to work out logically (read: over-thinking) which is 'right'. Like trying to put the fish into the right tanks, I am usually incredibly anxious that if I choose wrong it will work out worse for everyone involved. Often this leads to me not doing any real choosing, putting it off as much as I can, which is far worse than just making one wrong decision and learning from it.
This doesn't only apply to relationship issues, I inwardly panic about most choices I have to make, for anything from what job I should go for, down to what I should do that evening!)
"To dream that you are cleaning fish suggests that you are altering your emotional expression in a way that will be presentable to others. You are censoring yourself and not expressing how you completely feel."
(Definitely. I also feel like I need to be strong - that my problems don't merit attention or fuss, and that it would be selfish to divert attention away from worthier causes to focus on mine. I like to present a strong front for other people, so I can be there for them....and so they'll like me. This strong image doesn't fit with being depressed or panicky, so I hide those feelings.)
"To dream that a small fish is attacking a big fish implies that you should not underestimate someone's ability because of their size. Consider whether you sympathize with the small fish or the big fish..."
(This one made me realise... for all my worries and stress in the dreams, I don't actually see any of the fish die or get eaten. Even though I don't end up moving them usually. The problems I perceive may not even exist.)
"To dream that an unusually large fish is attacking you suggests that you are avoiding some emotional issue that is growing into a huge problem. You are suppressing so much of your feelings that it is affecting your well-being"
"...applying it to your [more recent] dream, it sounds like you see everyone else expressing themselves openly, however, your fish tank needs to be cleaned and therefore you are censoring yourself and not expressing how you completely feel.
Maybe it's your subconscious telling you that you struggle to express yourself or open up fully."
"To see animals in your dream represent your own physical characteristic, primitive desires, and sexual nature, depending on the qualities of the particular animal. Animals symbolize the untamed and uncivilized aspects of yourself. Thus, to dream that you are fighting with an animal signifies a hidden part of yourself that you are trying to reject and push back into your subconscious. Refer to the specific animal in your dream.
So it sounds like your dreams are an attempt made by your brain to organise itself, maybe you just have too much on your plate and your mind is struggling to balance. It does mention the animals also represent a hidden part of yourself that you are trying to reject and push back so it's another form of not expressing yourself fully."
(Rabbits and rats and hamsters...I can guess rabbits may represent a sexual tension. I don't know so much about rats, maybe suppressed intelligence? Like when I'm worried about speaking my mind.
Hamsters?
...I still don't know...)
Quite a lot to think about...
...so...
...back again?
I will try and feed you another post then.
Firstly, I would like to say thanks to everyone who read my first post, and for all the positive comments I've received. It is always strange for me, to accept praise for something like this. I used to have faith in my creative abilities and really I still do, but my self-doubt often clouds that and makes me think I can't really do anything good or worthwhile. Even after I've actually done something - even if I like it - I still tend to pick it apart and find all the reasons it's no good and eventually dismiss it altogether.
Writing in particular, is an odd one for me. I haven't written anything for so long. Writing about this kind of subject, putting these feelings out there in my own handwriting so to speak, is pretty nerve-wracking!
So thank you.
I want to delve into dreams again now...
A friend (Spike of http://diaryofageekyguy.blogspot.co.uk/) suggested some interpretations for my reoccurring dream and I'd like to share some of them here, with my own comments where I've thought through what he said...
"To see fish swimming in your dream signifies insights from your subconscious mind. Thus to catch a fish represents insights which have been brought to the surface."
(In most of my dreams, I don't actually move the fish physically or catch them. I feel I am supposed to, but I don't dream myself doing it. I just go back and fore between the tanks looking into them and trying to work out where they should all go.
In one of the only ones where I can remember trying to move some of them, I was putting my hand into a particularly dark-watered tank, and was bitten by a scary, eel-like creature with nasty teeth!
I could take from this then, that for me the insights are there, just out of reach. The things I need to work out, to keep my life from being 'messy' are right there. But reaching out for them is something I'm not doing. Is this why I keep having the dream?
When I have reached out, I have experienced pain. Maybe some of the insights are painful truths that I need to learn to accept.)
"Perhaps your dream could be telling you that 'there are plenty of other fish in the sea' with regards to some relationship issue."
(I have the dream when I perceive life getting 'messy' around me. By 'mess', I often do mean relationship issues. More than once, I have put myself into situations where I am trying to choose between people. Trying to work out logically (read: over-thinking) which is 'right'. Like trying to put the fish into the right tanks, I am usually incredibly anxious that if I choose wrong it will work out worse for everyone involved. Often this leads to me not doing any real choosing, putting it off as much as I can, which is far worse than just making one wrong decision and learning from it.
This doesn't only apply to relationship issues, I inwardly panic about most choices I have to make, for anything from what job I should go for, down to what I should do that evening!)
"To dream that you are cleaning fish suggests that you are altering your emotional expression in a way that will be presentable to others. You are censoring yourself and not expressing how you completely feel."
(Definitely. I also feel like I need to be strong - that my problems don't merit attention or fuss, and that it would be selfish to divert attention away from worthier causes to focus on mine. I like to present a strong front for other people, so I can be there for them....and so they'll like me. This strong image doesn't fit with being depressed or panicky, so I hide those feelings.)
"To dream that a small fish is attacking a big fish implies that you should not underestimate someone's ability because of their size. Consider whether you sympathize with the small fish or the big fish..."
(This one made me realise... for all my worries and stress in the dreams, I don't actually see any of the fish die or get eaten. Even though I don't end up moving them usually. The problems I perceive may not even exist.)
"To dream that an unusually large fish is attacking you suggests that you are avoiding some emotional issue that is growing into a huge problem. You are suppressing so much of your feelings that it is affecting your well-being"
"...applying it to your [more recent] dream, it sounds like you see everyone else expressing themselves openly, however, your fish tank needs to be cleaned and therefore you are censoring yourself and not expressing how you completely feel.
Maybe it's your subconscious telling you that you struggle to express yourself or open up fully."
"To see animals in your dream represent your own physical characteristic, primitive desires, and sexual nature, depending on the qualities of the particular animal. Animals symbolize the untamed and uncivilized aspects of yourself. Thus, to dream that you are fighting with an animal signifies a hidden part of yourself that you are trying to reject and push back into your subconscious. Refer to the specific animal in your dream.
So it sounds like your dreams are an attempt made by your brain to organise itself, maybe you just have too much on your plate and your mind is struggling to balance. It does mention the animals also represent a hidden part of yourself that you are trying to reject and push back so it's another form of not expressing yourself fully."
(Rabbits and rats and hamsters...I can guess rabbits may represent a sexual tension. I don't know so much about rats, maybe suppressed intelligence? Like when I'm worried about speaking my mind.
Hamsters?
...I still don't know...)
Quite a lot to think about...
Saturday 26 October 2013
...Welcome...
Hey...
Welcome...
This is the space...where my adventures will be chronicled. My past examined. My future questioned?
This is the place...where I will tell all my ups and downs and ups again. Hopefully.
I should describe myself a little first. I may be staying anonymous for a time, until I feel it's safe (Note: some of my stories Will contain drug use, May contain sexual encounters, and Will Almost Certainly contain scenes of emotional/mental confusion).
I will say that I am female, 25, and living in Cardiff, Wales. That possibly narrows it down enough, with the potential content of the blog, for people who know me to identify me (potential employers hopefully will find it somewhat more difficult to put name to face..)
And...
I suffer from depression. Occasionally partnered with paranoia. Sometimes manifesting as mania followed by intense lows (although I don't consider myself 'bi-polar').
Anyways,
I want to get on and write something interesting for my first post.
I want to start with a dream...
It's a dream I keep having. I can't quite think when the first time I had it was...some time back though I'm sure. I feel like I've been having it a long time now.
It's not every night. Mostly I get it when I'm stressed in real life, or things have started to fall apart around me.
It started as fish tanks.
In the dream, there are several, and I'm trying to organise the fish in them into the 'right' tanks, otherwise they'll die; from being eaten by fish they shouldn't be with, or some other reason.
Eventually rats, and occasionally rabbits as well are involved, but always the same thing: I have to sort them into the right hutches/cages/tanks, or they'll suffer.
In most versions of the dream, the animals are fairly neutral about it. In one or two they're trying to escape or bite me while I'm trying to move them.
The fish tanks are usually quite large and full of exotic, and occasionally scary looking fish.
There are usually people in the dream, with me. People who I recognise as friends (although usually, they are no one specific I can recognise from real life). They never help me though. No matter how close they come to me in the dream, and what they say, they do not help me with the fish tanks.
It's been suggested to me, and I do believe that the dream means needing to sort things in my life out, or worrying too much about needing to anyway. I tend to have it when things have gotten messy.
In one more recently, there was a tank in each room of a huge, weirdly laid out house I and some 'friends' had moved to. As I explored the house and went into each room I discovered the tank in each, apparently left by previous tenants, and I'm thinking I'll have to sort them out but then I look and each is actually OK.
Except the one in 'my room', which is cloudy and needs cleaning.
I took this one to mean I should worry less about other people's problems and focus on my own, as other people will probably be fine.
....
Even more recently, I had another version. One without animals at all, but it felt the same.
I was in an acquaintances bedroom, and somehow there were a load of ovens up in there. I'm trying to cook a load of meals for an increasing number of people. Running between the ovens like I usually see myself run between fish tanks.
Again, no one really helps. In fact they kind of mess with stuff or move it around so I don't know what I'm doing.
The people in this one were more vivid and definitely all people I know in real life, which is odd as well, as normally they're people I just identify as 'friends' in the dream, but can't pin down who they represent in real life.
I think again, that this dream is about worrying too much about what other people think.
Anyways, there's a reason I wanted to share this with you first, apart from it being potentially interesting.
The other night I had the dream again. Only different.
In this version, we are back to rabbits. My (real-life) rabbit, Colin, is hopping around in front of me. Suddenly, he's 3 and I have two in my lap while one runs around on the floor...
....
Then I'm wandering through a courtyard, and there are people here whispering at me about being careful, because there's these people who're some kind of dangerous radicals and they're scared of them.
...
I'm in a big, windy, weird house with lots of rooms. I'm not supposed to be here. People aren't angry that I'm here but I have the increasing sense of having outstayed my welcome. I'm supposed to leave now.
But I'm looking for my rabbits. These people have them and I want to see them before I go.
...
I find my rabbits, on the laps of a woman and several young female children in a living room type place in the house. The kids are hitting the rabbits. The woman seems like this is normal.
I feel angry but I don't take the rabbits off them then and there. I instead go about the house looking for something else (more rabbits? Their hutch to take them back with?).
...
I realise it's not just rabbits. There are hamsters I have to get too. (Note: usually the dreams only contain animals of types I actually keep as pets in real life, fish or rabbits or rats...hamsters are a new one and I haven't ever kept them). I search and search and am increasingly aware I shouldn't be here.
...
I am sneaking around, trying not to be seen still in the house, when I come to a room near the top of the house. Inside are the rabbit houses and as well, a pyramid of hamsters, not in a cage but all struggling to get down to a food bowl underneath the bottom hamsters. There's only one small bowl and Loads of hamsters trying to get to it.
Next to this is a fish tank. No fish though. Just more hamsters.
Inside the tank is the top part (the wire bit) of a hamster cage. Sitting like a shark-cage in the water. This makes it so there's only the little door on the cage that they can use to get in and out of the tank. They seem to be using it to get water for themselves, by diving into the tank and then trying to get back out. But they can't get back out because so many of them are in there, pushing around trying to get back out the little door.
They're drowning.
I woke up confused and saying
"They're hitting the rabbits and drowning the hamsters!"
It took me a while, and a friend's help to realise that this one, despite the advice of previous dreams, meant I was worried about someone else. The rabbits were mine, but the hamsters, and the house weren't mine. I was in someone else's place, looking out for their animals. I wasn't as stressed as in other dreams, only a little angry and determined to put a stop to the animals' torment. I'm worried about this person's hurt.
The rabbits that were mine though, were being hurt as well. Perhaps I'm worried I will suffer in the process of trying to help this person.
It took a little longer to work out who this person might be. It's someone I've only recently met. They're coincidentally the person who inspired me to start this blog, as part of an ongoing project to explore our experiences of depression, drug abuse, and other mental illnesses.
You can find his stories here: http://bbagsattic.blogspot.co.uk/
Welcome...
This is the space...where my adventures will be chronicled. My past examined. My future questioned?
This is the place...where I will tell all my ups and downs and ups again. Hopefully.
I should describe myself a little first. I may be staying anonymous for a time, until I feel it's safe (Note: some of my stories Will contain drug use, May contain sexual encounters, and Will Almost Certainly contain scenes of emotional/mental confusion).
I will say that I am female, 25, and living in Cardiff, Wales. That possibly narrows it down enough, with the potential content of the blog, for people who know me to identify me (potential employers hopefully will find it somewhat more difficult to put name to face..)
And...
I suffer from depression. Occasionally partnered with paranoia. Sometimes manifesting as mania followed by intense lows (although I don't consider myself 'bi-polar').
Anyways,
I want to get on and write something interesting for my first post.
I want to start with a dream...
It's a dream I keep having. I can't quite think when the first time I had it was...some time back though I'm sure. I feel like I've been having it a long time now.
It's not every night. Mostly I get it when I'm stressed in real life, or things have started to fall apart around me.
It started as fish tanks.
In the dream, there are several, and I'm trying to organise the fish in them into the 'right' tanks, otherwise they'll die; from being eaten by fish they shouldn't be with, or some other reason.
Eventually rats, and occasionally rabbits as well are involved, but always the same thing: I have to sort them into the right hutches/cages/tanks, or they'll suffer.
In most versions of the dream, the animals are fairly neutral about it. In one or two they're trying to escape or bite me while I'm trying to move them.
The fish tanks are usually quite large and full of exotic, and occasionally scary looking fish.
There are usually people in the dream, with me. People who I recognise as friends (although usually, they are no one specific I can recognise from real life). They never help me though. No matter how close they come to me in the dream, and what they say, they do not help me with the fish tanks.
It's been suggested to me, and I do believe that the dream means needing to sort things in my life out, or worrying too much about needing to anyway. I tend to have it when things have gotten messy.
In one more recently, there was a tank in each room of a huge, weirdly laid out house I and some 'friends' had moved to. As I explored the house and went into each room I discovered the tank in each, apparently left by previous tenants, and I'm thinking I'll have to sort them out but then I look and each is actually OK.
Except the one in 'my room', which is cloudy and needs cleaning.
I took this one to mean I should worry less about other people's problems and focus on my own, as other people will probably be fine.
....
Even more recently, I had another version. One without animals at all, but it felt the same.
I was in an acquaintances bedroom, and somehow there were a load of ovens up in there. I'm trying to cook a load of meals for an increasing number of people. Running between the ovens like I usually see myself run between fish tanks.
Again, no one really helps. In fact they kind of mess with stuff or move it around so I don't know what I'm doing.
The people in this one were more vivid and definitely all people I know in real life, which is odd as well, as normally they're people I just identify as 'friends' in the dream, but can't pin down who they represent in real life.
I think again, that this dream is about worrying too much about what other people think.
Anyways, there's a reason I wanted to share this with you first, apart from it being potentially interesting.
The other night I had the dream again. Only different.
In this version, we are back to rabbits. My (real-life) rabbit, Colin, is hopping around in front of me. Suddenly, he's 3 and I have two in my lap while one runs around on the floor...
....
Then I'm wandering through a courtyard, and there are people here whispering at me about being careful, because there's these people who're some kind of dangerous radicals and they're scared of them.
...
I'm in a big, windy, weird house with lots of rooms. I'm not supposed to be here. People aren't angry that I'm here but I have the increasing sense of having outstayed my welcome. I'm supposed to leave now.
But I'm looking for my rabbits. These people have them and I want to see them before I go.
...
I find my rabbits, on the laps of a woman and several young female children in a living room type place in the house. The kids are hitting the rabbits. The woman seems like this is normal.
I feel angry but I don't take the rabbits off them then and there. I instead go about the house looking for something else (more rabbits? Their hutch to take them back with?).
...
I realise it's not just rabbits. There are hamsters I have to get too. (Note: usually the dreams only contain animals of types I actually keep as pets in real life, fish or rabbits or rats...hamsters are a new one and I haven't ever kept them). I search and search and am increasingly aware I shouldn't be here.
...
I am sneaking around, trying not to be seen still in the house, when I come to a room near the top of the house. Inside are the rabbit houses and as well, a pyramid of hamsters, not in a cage but all struggling to get down to a food bowl underneath the bottom hamsters. There's only one small bowl and Loads of hamsters trying to get to it.
Next to this is a fish tank. No fish though. Just more hamsters.
Inside the tank is the top part (the wire bit) of a hamster cage. Sitting like a shark-cage in the water. This makes it so there's only the little door on the cage that they can use to get in and out of the tank. They seem to be using it to get water for themselves, by diving into the tank and then trying to get back out. But they can't get back out because so many of them are in there, pushing around trying to get back out the little door.
They're drowning.
I woke up confused and saying
"They're hitting the rabbits and drowning the hamsters!"
It took me a while, and a friend's help to realise that this one, despite the advice of previous dreams, meant I was worried about someone else. The rabbits were mine, but the hamsters, and the house weren't mine. I was in someone else's place, looking out for their animals. I wasn't as stressed as in other dreams, only a little angry and determined to put a stop to the animals' torment. I'm worried about this person's hurt.
The rabbits that were mine though, were being hurt as well. Perhaps I'm worried I will suffer in the process of trying to help this person.
It took a little longer to work out who this person might be. It's someone I've only recently met. They're coincidentally the person who inspired me to start this blog, as part of an ongoing project to explore our experiences of depression, drug abuse, and other mental illnesses.
You can find his stories here: http://bbagsattic.blogspot.co.uk/
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